My secret job in Elon Musk’s secret press office.

My-secret-job-in-Elon-Musks-secret-press-office-1 Tesla

Musk-scented satire.

My secret job in Elon Musk’s secret press office.

Today is a tough day, as Tesla just reported a huge profit failure, its stock is plummeting, and pretty much every single person in the known universe hates Elon Musk to the core.

I love my job. Too bad Elon doesn’t let us work from home anymore because he’s a hateful little shit.

But it doesn’t matter, I’ll drive to work every now and then to check out Tesla’s secret press office headquarters.

They are located underground in the lair of a secret island.

Yes, I was a bit nervous about this when I went for the interview. It’s all a bit of a Dr. Evilly thing, you know what I mean.

During the interview, Elon informed me that if he pushed a button, the floor would open up and I would fall into a pool of sharks. I don’t know if he was flirting with me or not.

“But maybe you can at least buy me a horse?” I said, flirting back. I knew Elon had been accused of offering to buy a female employee a horse in exchange for sex.

I love horses. I’d give him a horse in a second. I mean, what’s so hard about jerking off to some dick? I’ve done it a million times. Please, horse!

I have a very good wanking technique that a guy showed me years ago. You can read about it here.

I did it to Elon, and he said: “You’re hired, baby! He launched his Tesla rocket in less than a minute, no lie.

I never got the horse, but I got the job. (Although, can I just say it wasn’t a dick the size of a horse. A pony, maybe. My little pony will be my pet nickname if I ever do it again, which I certainly won’t. Now that I have a job as his secret spokesman, I don’t need to jerk off. I just have to make up happy lies about Elon, and I love my life! Yay!).

So, I got an email from Elon this morning.

Get to HQ, Christine! And get me some good press or I’ll take the horse.

What fucking horse, Elon?

I was wondering if the horse was delivered to my neighbor’s farm by mistake, you know, one of those cases where Amazon delivers the goods.

So I immediately issued this press release. It was simple. I love writing non-fiction, and there is no greater tale in history than the myth that this jerk is somehow worthy of two seconds of our attention. Please enjoy.

Elon Musk mows his own lawn and cleans his own house.

If a trillionaire can do it, why can’t you?

About six years ago, Elon Musk experienced a revelation.

“I was paying these guys to make noise with their blowers, etc.,” he said. “And all I really needed was lawn mowing. I could have done that. All I needed was a lawn mower.”

Musk didn’t just head to the Sears store to buy a lawn mower. That’s not his style.

He designed and built his own lawnmower from scratch in his spare time after working at his two amazingly successful companies, SpaceX and Tesla.

“My lawnmower is basically a spaceship that takes off about three inches off the ground and then lands again, every two seconds, and cuts my grass that way.”

Does Musk plan to make his lawnmower available to the public?

“Absolutely,” he said. “After we get approval from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. You see, this lawnmower is powered by a Tesla battery that gets its charge from the sun, and if the sun isn’t shining, a miniature nuclear reactor kicks in to ignite the thing.”

Obviously, there’s a lot of red tape for mini nuclear reactors, so it’ll be a while before we can buy one for our backyard. In the meantime.

What about cleaning your own house?

“I didn’t like having cleaners around all the time,” Musk says. “People make me nervous, especially when they’re in my space. So I created a cleaning robot that will do dishes, laundry, etc. Her name is Optimus Maid.”

What other amazing things does Elon do?

“I compost my feces and use it to grow tomatoes the size of basketballs.”

Okay, that’s weird and gross. How the hell does he compost his feces?

“I don’t go to the toilet in the toilet bowl. I go to the bathroom in a Tesla potty that turns feces into compost by adding nitrogen and Exlax.”

OK. I’m eating here. This is making me sick. Can we cut to the chase?

Is there anything Elon can’t do?

“I’ve been trying to dig a hole for China,” he said. “In my backyard. It’s not working out very well. So far, I’ve only managed to get as far as Belarus.”

Elon Musk dug a hole to Belarus from his backyard in Austin, Texas?

“Yes, but just don’t tell anyone, please. It’s going to be a whole new way to travel internationally, completely replacing passports and customs officials. When I start sending people to different countries through this amazing hole in my backyard, there will be some very pissed off bureaucrats there.”

Awesome! Is the hole to Patagonia already in place? I’ve always wanted to visit Patagonia, haven’t you?

Is there anything even more amazing that Elon can do?

“Well, I taught myself how to fly by waving my arms fast,” he said. “It was a simple math problem that I solved.”

I don’t know if you guys have seen that a flying guy has been spotted near the Los Angeles airport a few times. They thought he was wearing a jetpack. But he wasn’t.

Elon was just waving his arms around. If he gets into an updraft, he can stop waving his arms. Yeah, that’s pretty cool.

Oh, come on! There’s gotta be something even cooler that Elon’s doing.

Well, actually, there is. He lives on an asteroid made entirely of diamonds. He’s keeping it a secret because once he figures out how to mine the diamonds and get them to Earth, the price of diamonds will of course plummet, so it’s super secret. He’s just going to bring back some diamonds every year.

You can do better than that! What could be better than living on an asteroid made of diamonds?

OKAY. That’s a super super secret. But yes, Elon has opened a portal.

Elon Musk has become immortal.

Elon Musk’s farts now smell like oranges.

Elon Musk doesn’t need to sleep anymore.

Elon Musk.

Elon Musk.

Elon Musk.

Elon Musk!!!

Isn’t he dreamy?

(Honestly, sometimes this job makes me sick. But in this economy, baby, I’ll swallow the vomit).

Want more Christine?

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